Spidey and the Chocolate Factory
by Gozer
Summary: AU: A certain famous candyman gets taken over by Venom and five lucky kids get to see what becomes of this.
1. The Symbiotic Tickets

**Title: Spidey and the Chocolate Factory**

**Author: Gozer**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: AU/ A famous candyman gets his body taken over by Venom and five lucky kids get to see what happens.**

**Warnings: Swearing, Venom being creepy, Old men getting shot repeatedly, J. Jonah Jameson in a dress.**

* * *

This is the story of how one boy became the luckiest little boy on earth. 

That boy's name was Peter Parker. (Or 'Spider-Man' as his street name went.)

Originally, Peter wasn't so lucky. He lived in a small run-down garage of a house with his poor Aunt May and Uncle Ben, because his parents had died when he was very very very young. They could hardly get by as far as Peter's and Uncle Ben's lousy incomes went. Thus, Peter didn't have the luxury of buying candy like all his other classmates. And as far as cruel irony went, his house just happened to be right outside of the most famous and mysterious chocolate factory ever.

And that, my friends, is where the story begins.

* * *

_Scene one: Peter, looking longingly through the gates of the famous Wonka chocolate factory. A random homeless guy walks up to him._

MAN: That factory's freakin' weird.

PETER: (looks up at man) What do you mean? It's the best chocolate factory ever.

MAN: It keeps operating but nobody ever goes in or out.

PETER: Whoa, no way.

MAN: Yes way. (pulls out a switchblade) So gimme your damn cash, kid.

(A few minutes later)

PETER: (Opens the door to his crummy house) I'm home!

AUNT MAY: It's that awful Spider-Man!

PETER: I sold a few pictures to a newspaper and made five dollars.

MAY: Oh good! That means we can eat dinner tonight.

BEN: (Walks in from some other room) Sorry Pete. I need that money to pay off this TV I just got. (Points to an old 1970s circa television nearby)

MAY: Fudge!

PETER: No problem, I still have these! (holds up three 20-dollar bills)

BEN: Where in the name of Sam Hill did you get $60?

(cut to a lamppost outside where the homeless guy from earlier is bound in webbing)

PETER: I found it.

MAY: Liar.

BEN: Well, that's lucky. Just think of all the cereal and ramen that'll buy us!

PETER: Hey Uncle Ben, A man outside told me that nobody ever goes in or out of Wonka's chocolate factory. Is that true?

BEN: Well, Peter, it's a long story. You see, Wonka used to make so many amazing different candies. But (Suddenly gets shot in the back of the head)

PETER: AAAAH!!

MAY: Peter, you're cleaning that up.

BEN: (Sits up, rubbing the back of his head. Mumbles something about whippersnappers and communism) Anyway, spies from other companies started sneaking in and stealing his secret recipes. It got so out of hand that Wonka ended up closing his factory.

PETER: But it's still making chocolate.

BEN: Well, a few years ago, the factory became active again. Wonka changed his first name to 'Venom' and started looking a little… black.

MAY: Damn Negroes

BEN: Go get cancer, you miserable bag of wrinkles. Anyway, that's how the story goes.

PETER: Wow

BEN: Now then! Let's see if this TV works. (Turns it on)

NEWS MAN: …So today, Mr. Willy... I mean Venom Wonka announced that he has hidden five symbiotic tickets in five of his many candy bars. The lucky boys and girls that find them will be allowed inside his factory. In unrelated news, the anthrax scare has started up again.

BEN: Well how about that. (gets shot) Dammit, U.S. Administration! I'm not a spy!

* * *

**THE STORY OF TICKET #1:**

NEWS MAN: Well, already one young man has found one of Wonka's tickets. His name is (reads something written in sharpie on his hand) Doctor Octopus. (camera pans over to a fat kid with a trenchcoat, sunglasses, scruffy brown hair, and four long mechanical arms coming out of his back.)

DOC: Uh…

NEWS MAN: So tell us, Fatso, what was it like to find the first of Wonka's five tickets?

DOC: Well, it was like biting into a chocolate bar. Except I bit into what tasted like linoleum. That's when I learned that Symbiote tastes really sucky. (Pulls out a sandwich and starts eating it.) This is one bitchin' BLT.

NEWS MAN: Do you have anything to say to the world?

DOC: I sweat butter.

NEWS MAN: Nice. Back to you, Clara.

* * *

**THE STORY OF TICKET #2:**

(cue to a young, graying little boy with a Hitler moustache, wearing a dress and smoking a cigar.)

JAMESON: MARTIN! You said I was going to be the first one to have one of those tickets!

MARTIN: Sir, believe me. I ordered the entire press to open all the candy bars that you had shipped here. We can't find it!

JAMESON: Imbeciles! You know what? SPIDER-MAN is probably behind this! Our front page story tomorrow will be that he's hoarding the last four! The fiend!

MARTIN: Sir, we don't have any proof that he's doing that. ...as usual.

JAMESON: Sure we do! Nobody else has found the other tickets, have they?! (picks up a random picture of Spider-Man) Get Parker in here to photoshop a bunch of chocolate bars shooting out of Spider-Man's wrist instead of webbing.

MARTIN: Uh…

PETER: (Bursts into the room dancing and holding up one of the tickets) I GOT IT! I GOT IT!! I GOT WONKA'S SECOND SYMBIOTE TICKET!! MY DREAM COME TRUE!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I GET TO MEET WILLY VENOM WONKA!! I-

JAMESON: (Plucks ticket out of Peter's hands.) Mine now.

PETER: Aww…

* * *

**THE STORY OF TICKET #3:**

NEWS MAN: Today, the third golden ticket was found, leaving two tickets remaining. As opposed to three or four. Because that would mean that Wonka sent out six or seven tickets instead of five. Heh. Anyway, a little girl named Mary-Jane Watson is the usurper of the ticket. Mary-Jane, do you have anything to say?

MJ: (chewing bubblegum) Hi!! I'm MJ and I really really really like bubblegum! And I have the third ticket.

PETER: (Watching the TV) Hell-O lady foxxxxay:D

MJ: I've been chewing gum nonstop for months not including when I eat, in which I stick gum behind my ear. My mommy says that's not sanitary. My daddy says she's wrong about a lot of things. I won a world record for amount of time spent chewing gum. When I grow up, I want to be an actress!

NEWS MAN: Why an actress, Mary-Jane?

MJ: Cuz that's where I'll get a buncha money for gum!

NEWS MAN: Actresses don't have a million cavities like people who spend their precious time chomping synthetic food.

MJ: Oh.

* * *

**THE STORY OF TICKET #4:**

NEWS MAN: The fourth symbiotic ticket was found today. Only one ticket left! One ticket in the entire world filled with billions of people! This time, the child that found the ticket is a young man named Harry Osbourne.

HARRY: (Playing videogames) Die you filthy hammer brothers.

NEWS MAN: You sure like videogames, Harry.

HARRY: They're all I have now.

NEWS MAN: That's silly. What about family and friends?

HARRY: (Turns to news man with a foreboding look in his eyes) My dad is DEAD.

NEWS MAN: Oops. I'm sorry.

HARRY: My best friend killed him.

NEWS MAN: Oh... uh, where's your mom?

HARRY: SHE'S DEAD TOO.

NEWS MAN: Huh, then who do you live with?

(Mysterio walks onscreen wearing an apron and holding a tray of cookies)

MYSTERIO: Ooh, Harry Sweetie, you'll have to tell me next time you invite your little friends over.

HARRY: (groans)

NEWS MAN: Ah, I see.

* * *

_(Uncle Ben turns TV off)_

BEN: That's enough TV, Peter. Here's your birthday chocolate bar!

PETER: Aw, Uncle Ben, you shouldn't have.

BEN: It was this or buy myself a new pair of boots.

MAY: Duct tape can cover the bullet holes.

PETER: (Opens candy wrapper. Gets disappointed.) Thanks… I wish I could get that last ticket though.

BEN: Well I guess your destiny is to be poor forever. :D

MAY: HA!

PETER: I'm going to go for a walk.

_OUTSIDE!!!_

PETER: "My girl wants to party all the time, party all the ti-" huh? (spots a $5 dollar-bill in the snow. Picks it up.) Ooh, lucky me. (Thinks) Hmm, what would be the boy scout thing to do with this? Maybe I should get Uncle Ben that new pair of boots he was wanting.

_(Gunshots and screams go off behind him)_

PETER: On second thought, candy sounds dandy right about now.

_(Walks into a candy store)_

PETER: (Holds up money) I'll have me a Wonka chocolate bar I s'pose. (Recieves it. Makes a weird expression) Is… is something moving in this? (Opens wrapper, revealing the final symbiote ticket.

TICKET: Hissssssss…

PETER: WHOA! JESUS ST. CHRISTMAS! I ACTUALLY GOT IT!!

CANDYMAN: Don't use the lord's name in vain!

PETER: EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH….

* * *

**THE VERY NEXT DAY IN FRONT OF THE WONKA FACTORY**

PETER: …EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!

BEN: Peter, shut up already.

PETER: NO.

JAMESON: Martin, I want to go in first before all the other kids.

MARTIN: Mmmkay.

MJ: (Chewing Gum)

MYSTERIO: Oh isn't this just fun Harry?

HARRY: (Playing a gameboy) Don't talk to me.

DOC: (Eating a cheeseburger) mmgmgmgmlgmlgmglmchomp.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: HIIIIIIIII!!

_(everyone turns to the gates where Venom has suddenly appeared)_

VENOM: (puts down loudspeaker) We are Venom. Wonka. Mmm, chocolate. (Opens gate. Kids rush in.)

JAMESON: (rushing up to Venom) Hi! I'm J. Jonah Jameson and Spider-Man is a menace! I run the Daily Bugle!!

VENOM: We don't care. (shoves him aside, letting tongue casually hang out. Goes up to MJ.) Who you be?

PETER: Madame inferno hotness, that's what! (Gets smacked by Ben)

MJ: (smiles) I'm Mary-Jane Watson! Want some gum?

VENOM: No, Chocolate.

MJ: Why do you keep referring to yourself as 'we?'

VENOM: WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE WE BREAK YOUR LEGS OFF AND DIG THEM INTO YOUR EARS??!!

MJ: OO (Backs away)

DOC: You're creepy.

VENOM: YOU'RE FAT.

DOC: (cries)

MYSTERIO: Mister Venom, this is Harry. He's been dying to meet you!

HARRY: No I haven't. Shut up.

PETER: (jumps on venom, hugging him tight) OHMYGODOHMYGOD VENOM WONKA I GOT YOUR TICKET IN A PACKAGE OF CHOCOLATE I LOVES YOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!

VENOM: (grins) We love you too. ; )

BEN: oO

VENOM: Ready for factory tour?

_(Gates slam shut behind the kids and their guardians. Worried looks are exchanged)_


	2. The Chocolate River

**Title: Spidey and the Chocolate Factory**

**Author: Gozer**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: AU/ A famous candyman gets his body taken over by Venom and five lucky kids get to see what happens.**

**Warnings: Swearing, Venom being creepy, Old men getting shot repeatedly, J. Jonah Jameson in a dress. If you don't like certain characters being waaaay out of character and/or mocked then don't read. This is a PARODY. (smiles)**

**_ROOM #1_**

PETER: Whoa. What's this room called?

VENOM: This is the room that's made entirely out of candeh. Mostly chocolate. (sticks tongue out)

DOC: Reeeally Mister Venom?

VENOM: Yes. You could eat the room if you wanted to.

DOC: Really Mister Venom?

VENOM: YES, YOU LITTLE FUCK BAG.

DOC: (smiles)

MJ: Hey lookie! A river! (points)

VENOM: With a waterfall.

MJ: YAY A WATERFALL:D

HARRY: What's so yay about it? It looks kinda brown and polluted.

MJ: No you butt face, it's a chocolate river!

DOC: Chocolate?!?!!! CHOCOLATE??!!!! (runs over and dives in)

PETER: ME NEXT!!!

BEN: No.

PETER: D:

DOC: (starts looking pale and sick)

HARRY: What's wrong with him?

MJ: Mabe he hates chocolate. Chocolate hater!

VENOM: No, It really IS a river of pollution.

PETER, JAMESON, HARRY: IT IS?!

DOC: It… cough IT IS?! (gurgle... cancer)

MJ: But… But I thought it was supposed to be a chocolate river!

VENOM: Why on earth would I have a chocolate river?

MJ: But…

VENOM: That's a horrible, filthy, stupid, gross, bad, down syndrome-inducing idea. Everything else as chocolate is genius that only we could think of but a chocolate river is an idea I'd expect to hear from an old man with massive head injuries whose been through at least five strokes. You should kill yourself for thinking of something so idiotic, you crusty sack of medical waste.

MJ: (cries)

BEN: (gets shot in the face)

PETER: Who keeps doing that??

JAMESON: SPIDER-MAN!!!!

PETER: No, NOT Spider-Man.

VENOM: (Sticks tongue out again.) We WERE one….

PETER: (shudders)

HARRY: Hey look! There's weird mutant people in jumpsuits across the river!

MJ: What are they dumping into the river?

VENOM: AIDS.

BEN: Gets up What ARE they?

VENOM: They're called the X-Men. They're our little slaves.

JAMESON: YOU… YOU ENSLAVED THE X-MEN???!!! FJHDERSRTYKFVBHYU??!!!

HARRY: How did you manage that??

VENOM: We told them that only pussies wore helmets while riding bicycles and now they're all brain damaged.

MJ: Oh, now we know.

PETER: And knowing is half the battle!

DOC: GEEEEE IIIIIIIIII JOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!!!!

VENOM: SHUT UP IN THERE!! (Pauses) Well, time to drain the river. (Takes out a remote control and pushes a button)

_Suddenly a glass tube lowers from the ceiling and into the river. The river starts draining._

MJ: Where's that tube go?

VENOM: Through a grinder, through a fan, across the street and into an incinerator. And then into outer space.

JAMESON: Spider-Man has a secret evil base on the moon.

MARTIN: No he doesn't.

JAMESON: YES HE DOES.

PETER: (tugging on Venom's jacket) Mister Venom? Doctor Octopus just got sucked into the tube and now he's stuck.

DOC: (Face smushed against the glass) Heeeeeelllllpppmeeee…..

VENOM: Then he's probably going to die.

PETER: Can't he get out somehow?

VENOM: Just so long as we forgot to turn that particular grinder on today… WHICH WE DIDN'T! (grins)

BEN: Hey Peter, remember how Aunt May taught you how a gun works? That's what's going to happen right now. (gets shot)

DOC: (Gets shot… into the ceiling! Zing!)

PETER: Wow.

MYSTERIO: Oh my.

VENOM: NOW GET INTO OUR YACHT.

MJ: What yacht?

VENOM: The one right there in the river you little twit.

(Suddenly the river is somehow filled again with more brown water and a yacht covered in black symbiote.)

HARRY: Geez, how much polluted waste do you have in this factory??

VENOM: Fool! The river is now filled with chocolate!

MJ: I thought you said that a chocolate river was a horrible idea!

VENOM: Only when YOU think of it. My ideas are always brilliant.

MJ: (scoffs)


End file.
